counseling isn’t just for the crazies
There is a stigma that comes with counseling. It goes that if you see a therapist you must be really crazy or something in your life is shamefully broken. I don’t agree with that at all.
Often times therapy can be a great way to gain more insight on your life and direction. It can be a process that you use to reflect on how you do relationships and ways to make your life more thoughtful and loving.
In many ways, counseling is exploring and we do far to little of this in our world of amusement. And sometimes that exploration dives into vulnerable depths (present within us all) that we don’t always feel secure sharing with our friends or family right off the bat.
Please know that counseling isn’t just for the crazies. Counseling is also for the intentional, the humble, and those dissatisfied with the status-quo. We are not meant to dive the depths of life alone.
If You Want To Get Free
We want to be free from a lot of stuff in life. Some of that weight has nothing to do with better time management skills or re-watching, Where There’s A Will, There’s An A. The band, Waterdeep sang about this struggle a few years back and I thought I would share. Enjoy.
Lyrics:
In the gas station bathroom by the condom machine
I heard the word of the Lord
He said “Take off your shoes,
this is holy ground too
you know I came for the sick and the bored.”
Beneath the selling of beers
And the welling up of tears
Out beyond the beam of the remote control
There’s a whispering voice
That the humble ear ears
that says “I am still waiting
for you to ask just to be made whole.”
And the bush it was burning on the mountain top
and though the leaves never blackened, the fire didn’t stop
That’s the way that it works in this old life of sin
You gotta let the fire burn you just to get clean within
I am so often deterred from my actual intent
by distractions in a cellophane wrap
And the cruel voice that taunts me when I open them up
to find just one more box full of crap
It’s where you’re mocked while you abstain
and then cursed when you give in
It’s all a game that’s impossible to beat
But there’s a peaceful refrain God’ll sing in your brain
when you put the nails to your hands and your feet
And the smell of our sacrifices
still fills up my head
There’s just a few left at the altar, Lord
all the rest of them fled
And we’ve cried and we’ve tried
We’ve sweat and we’ve bled
But we don’t just need atonement
We need to be raised from the dead
When they took down the cross from that dark hillside
The blood on their hands was the blood from his side
That’s the way that it works, That’s the way it must be.
You gotta let His blood stain you of you want to get free
If you want to get free
Don’t you want to get free?
I think you want to be free.
pick a lane
pick a lane. it sounds so simple, doesn’t it?
there are so many life decisions and they all lead to different places and different people. the “what if’s” kill our liberty. we can be frozen in front of the fork in the road, just evaluating and picking life to pieces.
yet one facet to this that i believe is worth mentioning is you. the facet of self.
we are who we are. or should i say, we should be who we are regardless of what lane we end up picking. as we settle in with our values and mission in life, our circumstances have less and less to do with how we live. as our identity becomes well rooted, we stop picking lanes based upon forming our identity but instead on fulfilling it.
we can pick the best lane for us when we give up on the idea that one lane will make us better than another. value and honor in life doesn’t come from circumstance or location but from how we live within them. so feel some freedom in picking a lane, it has more to do with moving forward in life than in predicting where each road will take us.
starting
I just devoured Seth Godin’s book, Poke the Box. It is a great book about the topic of starting. Starting is something we lack in our culture, it is the innovation of an idea and the initiative to ship it to the people. Whether you are looking to start something big or just wanting to make your situation better, this book is a great read.
The book speaks on fear and failure a great deal. Seth stated, “If you can’t fail, it doesn’t count.” That statement sounds a lot like Don Miller’s Volvo comment. Miller stated that if all we want at the end of the day is a Volvo then we’re probably living a bad (and boring) story. More and more I am hearing that a good life, full of good stories, is a life that is filled with anticipation, risk, conflict and resolve. That for life to really count it has to cost something, it has to have something weighing in the balance. Ideas like that are hard to swallow for all the co-dependents, the people-pleasers, and the overall nice people who enjoy nice things. We want the ocean without the sharks, friendships without the fallout and projects that are fail proof.
It is difficult to hear that successful people, “have a personal standard that demands failure, not one that guarantees success.” We look at successful people and forget the endless amount of bad days it took to get them across the finish line. If we hold back our ideas (due to fear), we end up robbing the world of something good, something to process, something to use. Godin’s point is that it’s not good enough to be inventive and clever unless you actually put that idea in motion and give it to people.
To actually start something and give it away can create anxiety. To actually start something and put your work out there is to dive head first into your fears and worries. He defines anxiety as “experiencing failure in advance.” Such a cogent way of putting it, isn’t it? We allow anxiety to hold back some of our strongest and most brilliant ideas. We are terrified of failure. And because we are so afraid, we need books like this one to motivate and also invite us to start something worth finishing.
If you have ideas that stay in your brain and never see the light of day, please pick up this book.
Shiny Cities
Dan Allender speaks of a terrain in our lives that we won’t allow others to tread.
We have places within ourselves that are so very sensitive in nature. It is our most vulnerable space that we build walls around. Big walls of stone that ensure no one can climb.
We then plant trees around the walls which hide and disguise our reality and shame. Then we build a shiny city 20 miles away to show off our skills and earn admiration of others. We invite everyone to our city and we distract them with our big buildings and nice restaurants. They compliment us on our shiny city and we say thank you.
Meanwhile, there are times when the explorer types wander off without a map and stumble through the forests and happen upon our walls. We see them and become anxious. Who knows, it could be friendly faces carrying supplies but it feels like an army ready to attack. We try and run them off, whether by force or by some other measure.
Our anxiety lets us know when the wanderers are close. The anxiety feels like death itself but it’s really not. True death comes in the distraction.
The thing is, what we are protecting is what we genuinely want people to see and accept. Its what we chain up and lock down which gives us the best material for substantial change. There isn’t much in our shiny cities that will change us. Our shiny cities are lifeless perceptions of who we want others to see we are. There are too many cities, too many hollowed out versions of ourselves floating around.
The only way we can truly progress in life and faith is by allowing trusted souls into our gates. They need to see the dirt, weeds and fungus growing in our courtyards. We need to give people the chance to accept us.
curious minds want to know
my wife is creative and so is her dad. they both have macgyver-esque minds. when something breaks they find a pile of randomness and start collecting assorted pieces that somehow, some way work together. they bring chaos into order. i am drawn to that because fixing things and putting things together frustrates me the most. it only takes a few minutes before i launch a wrench into my face and become foul and a quitter. I have taken note that when i start getting nasty, my wife is calm and deep in thought.
i have this deep desire to create/re-create and i am learning something has to change within myself if i am going to author any type of creation. i need to be more like my wife when she fixes things.
maybe the easy answer is i need more patience. but as i dig deeper i notice i’m not a very curious person. sure, i get curious when it comes to relationships and counseling but not for most other things. i don’t really care what is wrong with my car, i just want it fixed. i don’t want to actually learn how to play the guitar, i just want to jam out to The Decemberists. i prefer results so i can get on with my life.
i see curiosity being connected to creativity. in fact, i believe curiosity births creativity. it’s really difficult to create without inquisitiveness, a pursuit for process, not solely results.
its not just in the creation and care of things where we find curiosity key but also in how we love others.
love also demands curiosity. to truly love we have to engage and pursue one another with a genuine curiosity. relationships are ever-changing and call for meaningful engagement, a moving towards. i think that is one reason people like therapy so much, they have a set aside time for someone to pursue them in a very tangible way that doesn’t look to control or judge.
no matter what we create, we need a genuine interest outside ourselves to be the driving force.
Guts
My wife and I once got stuck in Hawaii for 4 days and had to buy some cheap clothes at an ABC store. I bought a cheesy shirt that had Hawaiian proverbs on the back and one of them read, “There are two ways of getting rich, make more or desire less.”
The second aspect of that phrase (desiring less) was foreign to me. When we think about getting ahead in life our brains typically fixate on making more or doing more not about doing or desiring less. It is called the rat race. People rarely get a pay raise without bumping up in lifestyle too. It doesn’t really matter if you are a mechanic at Jiffy Lube or a doctor at Cedar-Sinai, a good chunk of people are in debt, have too many bills, and get divorced and see their assets drop by half. The rat race is a cycle that never stops because our eyes are bigger than our pocketbooks.
I had a professor at the University of Missouri who was a quirky guy. His name was Mel and he owned pretty much all of east campus housing and also wrote our textbook for his class on consumerism. I remember it so vividly, he stood in front of our class and in a daring sort of way told us he didn’t think any of us had the guts to live below our means, even for a season.
Obviously he was banking on reverse psychology but his taunt still does its work on me today. Issues of identity, vanity, practicality, and plain social acceptability stand in the way of people living lives where their answer to happiness and success doesn’t end with the word more. Sure, there are tons of people who struggle and need to make more money or have more space in their cars or apartments but what about the middle and upper classes? Is more still the thing to go after? What if we pursued meaning instead of more? What about pursuing assets that help people instead of liabilities that make us feel good.
Just for a moment think about what it would look like if you were to live below your means. Think about what you would give up and also what ways you would get ahead? I am not talking about cutting cable to save $29.99/mo. Think and dream bigger. Who would you serve better if you weren’t saddled by a mortgage? How would your relationships change if you didn’t work the extra 10 hours each week at work?
Allow your mind to wander through different possibilities and ask yourself at the end,
Is the key to my happiness still more?
Do I have the guts to live below my means?
Monday’s “Live Your Story Series”- Alissa Hollimon
Alissa Hollimon lives in Dallas, Texas, and runs her photography business, Hollimon Photography. Alissa works mainly for Zachry Group and the NBA. During the NBA offseason, Alissa began taking photos for many aid organizations throughout Africa. After a few years, Alissa felt a need to give back more than just images. With the overwhelming generosity and help from others, Alissa founded Arise Africa. Arise Africa is a ministry based in Zambia, Africa that helps individuals live a life that God desires for them. Arise Africa works in communities and schools and help pay for education for kids, feed them, provide clothing and school supplies, and give micro finance loans to adults. To learn more about Arise Africa please visit www.ariseafrica.org
Alissa Hollimon Photographer Dallas, Texas
1. Name a person, book, and moment that served as a catalyst for the pursuit of your passion?
I had spent years working in Africa doing photography for various aid and governmental organizations. But the moment I knew that I would always be committed to and wanted to help long term when I was in the country of Zambia. I was riding in a car with my good Zambian friend, Bwalya. We had spent all day out in the slums and visiting children and families that I had known for years at that point. It had been a tough day, seeing people you love suffering of extreme poverty because of lack of opportunity or education. Bwalya and I began talking about things that could change that and what it would look like. And there is no doubt God was directing both of us to work together and provide opportunity for our friends there. We both felt the Lord’s presence and said that God was working in us, and we needed to listen. It was one of the most clear times in my life that I felt God was right there with us in that car. I went back to the states and prayed about it as Bwalya did in Zambia. And a few months later, we started Arise Africa, and Bwalya is our head Zambian today.
2. What risks did you have to take along the way and how did they interact with your fears?
We faced a lot of risks when we started Arise Africa. We first of all had to really trust our Zambians on the ground to know what they were doing and communicate with us. I think that was the first tough part initially for me, was giving that to God and knowing He was in control and working through them.
I was also scared we wouldn’t have any support in America. There are many great charities and non-profits and I didn’t know if we would have people who would invest in us. It has been a huge blessing to watch people volunteer to help or give money to our projects. We are always blown away at individual’s generosity.
Another risk we have taken is starting our child sponsorship program. I had seen these programs not run well, and was very concerned we would not be able to watch our kids and communicate enough with their sponsors. Once again, I had to trust our Zambians to make sure this would work, and am pleased to say we have actually grown our program and have a fantastic group of kids and sponsors! Seeing the difference it makes in those kids lives makes all the concern and work well worth it.
3. What was the biggest and most unexpected pain (a blind side moment) in your journey? How has it changed you and your process?
One of our blind side moments has been when we purchased land to help with one of our projects in Zambia. We ended up with some issues with the government and the land being zoned for different use than we had been told. This stumbling block actually was a GREAT learning experience for all of us. We learned a lot about communication between our African and American team and how to handle situations like this. We learned how to work better as a team and make sure to help each other out and to seek advice from top experts and officials in any area we are working in. We also formed great relationships with government officials and attorneys who are all now our friends and have helped us on other projects. Working through that conflict no doubt made our team stronger and more confident in each other. There will ALWAYS be unexpected pains or blind side moments, and it is all about how you handle them and other individuals in the process.
4. What has been the most joyful part of your journey that needs to be celebrated?
By far the most impactful and joyful part for me has been witnessing our Zambian staff serving God and the difference that has made in their country. I am constantly amazed at their love and spirit. When I am over there I see our folks loving on kids and encouraging adults and being so committed to our cause. I watched one of our staff members use her bus money to buy a child with AIDS on the street some food. She then had to walk home for three hours. She never even hesitated to do that. I see kids at the schools we work with having opportunity to learn who had never seen the inside of a classroom before we came and paid their school fees. Watching children grow and have energy because they have received healthy food through our feeding program has also been very impactful. By far God has taught me and blessed through our Zambian staff and the people’s lives that I get to witness being changed.
5. What is a question that you don’t get asked but wish you would? Now, please answer that desired question.
What is one thing you have learned in your life that has helped you in all areas?
I have learned that there is more to life than living it for yourself. The only thing you have to understand on this earth is that our lives are about serving God, that’s it. This might seem like a simple concept but when you truly put that in effect, you will be blessed in more ways than you can imagine. When you serve others or try to help people less fortunate, God does amazing things in your life too. I try to do this with everything I am involved in. From my photography business in the USA to our Africa projects, I have seen my life become so much better and whole because of this. I am also more relaxed about my life because I am not stressed out about me or what my life looks like or what will happen or what people think of me. Because it isn’t about me, it is about God and serving.
We Will Watch Ourselves
Erik Erikson is famous in part for his work on the stages of development. He believed there are pivotal junctures in each person’s life that need to be appropriately dealt with in order to live a healthy life. He concluded that if any one stage is not successfully completed during the appropriate age that it would peak its little nasty head up as problematic behavior in adulthood.
When I look at Erikson’s work I gravitate toward his work on guilt, shame, and stagnation. Those are most typical in my life and in the lives of my clients. Yet, after a couple days at Don Miller’s Storyline Conference my eyes have been drawn to the latter stages, something more relevant to the baby boomers than to somebody like me. The last stage of development is where Ego Integrity battles Despair and this just might be the most difficult crisis to face. Erikson basically stated that we as humans do all the prep work early on for the production of our middle years and at the end of our lives we will fall on either the side of enjoying the lives we led or despairing over what we see.
There was a line from the conference that really stuck with me. Miller stated that we are all characters in our own stories and that what we do and where we do it, is important. He told us about a time when he was offered money under the table and was tempted to take it but decided against it because he didn’t want that kind of scene in his story. After he said that I felt hope and fear simultaneously. On one end, we have the ability to create a good story. But on the other, it’s so scary to know there is no delete button. No matter how much money we pocket, it is impossible to hire true editors to omit scenes and situations from our story. Each day is written with a Sharpie and forever it will stay.
Erikson’s last stage is really about sitting back with some popcorn and Hot Tamales (good combo) and watching your own story from start to finish. It’s the time in your development where life is too fast, technology has out-paced you and you just want a comfortable chair and air conditioning. It’s the perfect place and time where you sit back and reflect on your story lived out. You look back and see the scenes you forgot about, the scenes that you love, and the scenes that you have tried to forget. We will watch ourselves. And Erikson’s stage of Ego Strength vs. Despair is defined by how you feel coming out of that movie theater.
If you have the privilege of growing old and watching your own story, how will you feel looking back on your current self? Are you setting yourself up for despair or satisfaction? Mind you, this despair and satisfaction have little to do with circumstances and everything to do with dealing with the pain in your life and pursuing what is good in life.
Live within the tensions of today and go after what you want despite the obstacles. It means toward the end you won’t fall asleep watching your own story, unless it’s after 6pm.
“Live Your Story” Series- Jenny White
Have you ever heard of Art House America? It was started in Nashville in 1991 by husband and wife duo Charlie Peacock and Andi Ashworth. Both have a real heart for life, ministry, the arts and seeing them combined well. Andi is an author and has been key in bringing about the environment of hospitality within Art House. Charlie is a musician and has produced the likes of Amy Grant, Switchfoot and most recently, The Civil Wars. For many years Art House America has been a vibrant place for people of all walks of life to share ideas and resources for the common good.
Recently, Art House decided to expand and Dallas was their pick. Jenny White was entrusted with the keys to the new Dallas branch and she has big plans. She sees artists traveling through relaxing and recharging, she sees workshops, recording studios, a wide variety of small groups for gardeners to deep thinkers, and a big kitchen for communal cooking. Also, the last Thursday of each month Art House hosts an exchange where folks interested in creative and faithful living come for conversation and good drink. Sometimes it’s dialogue, sometimes it’s teaching, sometimes it’s doing- Art House is interested in cultivating creative community for the common good while encouraging everyone to live imaginative and meaningful lives. So let’s meet the culture maker whose vision and hard work is showing communities all over Dallas how to live better stories.
1. Name a person, book, and moment that served as a catalyst for the pursuit of your passion?
For years I tried to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up, and then I walked into the kitchen of the Art House in Nashville. It was September 9, 2008, a day (moment) which would hugely affect the trajectory of my vocation. I was there for a musician retreat co-hosted by Art House America (Charlie Peacock and Andi Ashworth) and Wedgwood Circle. The retreat gathered together musicians who had received financial support from Wedgwood to connect with Christians from all over the country who were writing secular music for the common good. There was incredible teaching, decadent meals, live music, and long conversations on porch swings where musicians eye lit up with the realization of “you feel that way too?” I spent two days at the Art House watching the work of hospitality, mentoring and vocational teaching refresh the thirsty hearts of musicians, and my eyes were opened to a job I didn’t know existed. But the fact is, a job didn’t exist at the time, and wouldn’t for almost two more years. However, it planted in me a passion for creating a place for traveling musicians to find rest, a warm meal, and some good conversation. I never thought about the possibility of actually working for the Art House since it was a small organization in Nashville, so I looked at how I could live out this new found desires and callings right where I was. Through my job at the Wedgwood Circle, we set up a network of host families who would take in some of the same musicians at the Art House retreat when they had shows in Washington, DC. My greatest cheerleader and mentor, Elizabeth Fitch, served as the guinea pig for this program, and took in our first beneficiary, Katie Herzig and her band, for a night. She was thrilled to see my small dream of providing hospitality for musicians become a reality. Two years later, Elizabeth would serve as the catalyst who actually helped me pursue this passion to take the job to start Art House in Dallas. I was afraid to leave DC, and all I had known, but Elizabeth reminded me of the first time we talked in her kitchen about serving musicians to the first time she hosted, and helped me realize what an incredible opportunity God had provided to give me a job I didn’t know existed. A couple months later, in preparation for taking this Art House job, I read Andi Ashworth’s book, Real Love for Real Life,and it was hugely influential in increasing my understanding of the meaning of caretaking as a vocation. For someone who is so often focused on completing agendas and staying on task, her book was a refreshing perspective on the ‘job’ of caring for people through the way we listen, give time, cook meals, share wisdom and take extra time to show people we care. As someone who loves to cook, spend time in long conversations and write notes, this was a huge realization for me that God could use these desires as part of a vocation and not just every once in a while.
2. What risks did you have to take along the way and how did they interact with your fears?
I felt a lot of risk in leaving a job that I loved and a city that had become home after five years. I loved the pace and energy of Washington, DC and was a little nervous about moving back to Dallas and figuring out my place in a new city. The excitement of being near my family again paired with the confidence that God had led me directly to this job with Art House propelled me forward. I think that my biggest fear was wrapped up in not meeting the founders expectations, as Dallas was the first new branch of Art House America after 20 years of being only in Nashville. On top of these fears, it felt risky to leave a job I knew I could do well, to start an organization from scratch… especially considering I wasn’t a famous music producer like our organization’s founder. I kept drawing on all the folks in the bible who felt so unqualified, and yet God used them anyways.
3. What was the biggest and most unexpected pain (a blind side moment) in your journey? How has it changed you and your process?
A year and a half ago, I got one of those phone calls that makes your heart drop and forever changes you. I found out my sister had been rushed to the hospital for lung failure and was in the ICU on a breathing machine. She was in critical condition, and we were unsure of how long she would have to be on a breathing machine as well as the long term effects of her condition. I was still living in DC at the time, and through the two weeks I spent at home in Dallas waiting for her health to return, I realized that life is too short to be living so far from my family. Of course my parents didn’t want me to move home for this reason, but in God’s great kindness, I was given a job offer five months after these scary couple of weeks. My sister is healthy now, but that blindside moment helped me to realize what an incredible support system that God had provided in Dallas through old friends and family that have known me my whole life. I loved my friends in DC, but this painful season was a catalyst in helping me realize that there were too many people in Dallas that I loved to not be walking alongside them in everyday life for the long term.
4. What has been the most joyful part of your journey that needs to be celebrated?
The most joyful part of my journey over the last year has been to see the faithfulness of God in renewing and providing so many amazing relationships for me upon moving back to Dallas. One of the greatest challenges in living in Washington, DC was how quickly folks moved in and out of the city. I can count on one hand the friendships that I had from beginning to end in the five years that I lived there. As much as I miss those dear friendships that shaped me in many ways over my time away from Texas, I love the fact that most of my friends here in Dallas don’t have any plans to leave the area anytime soon. It’s a beautiful thing to put down roots with old and new friends alike, and know that that they aren’t going anywhere in the immediate future. I am celebrating the fact that my heart, for the first time in about 10 years, is finally at rest right where God has me. From the time I started to decide where I was going to college (Texas A&M) to where I was going to live after graduation (Washington, DC) I have always wondered at what point I would live somewhere and feel completely at rest. It wasn’t until about six months into moving back to Dallas that I looked around and realized how wonderful it is to be near to my parents, three sisters, two brother in laws and numerous other extended family members and friends who are incredibly supportive. I am also incredibly grateful for my boyfriend who is nothing short of a provision from God. When I was leaving the Northeast, I fought everyone who said that I would start dating a Texas boy within six months of moving back to the Lone Star State. I guess that I can celebrate that they were right and I was wrong. While God may have plans to move me somewhere else in years to come, I truly celebrate the fact that for right now, He has me in a place that I am so content to work and play and love all these wonderful people around me for many years to come.
5. What is a question that you don’t get asked but wish you would? Now, please answer that desired question.
I don’t generally like this question asked by strangers, but if I know you pretty well, I’d be pretty happy if you came up to me and asked:
Would you like me to give you a back rub?
And I would answer: Yes, Please !
You can follow Charlie Peacock on Twitter @charliepeacock or Art House America @arthouseamerica
